The Wait

I lost my virginity at 18 to a boy I hadn’t forgiven for cheating on me during the eleventh grade. I’d grown tired of dodging questions on campus about the validity of my purity, so I decided it was my time. I didn’t have regrets, those came later. He was kind and patient, but it wasn’t special. 

Sex connected me with men traveling much faster than I. Sex allowed me to keep my walls up and to gloss over true intimacy. Even worse, it didn’t require me to demand more of myself (or from them) which left me empty. So, years later, when my chance at special came I cried in bed because I couldn’t reciprocate his energy.

I watched my girlfriends meet disappointment and drama after giving themselves away. So, in high school, I decided I’d wait because I didn’t want to be a number on a headboard; I wanted more. But, I wasn’t confident in what I knew to be right for myself. Plus, I didn’t want to stand out anymore than I already did. I gave in to fit in.

My walk with Christ gave me the understanding to articulate my reasons for holding high regards for sexual intimacy. So, in 2016, I decided I’d shut my knees, stop overcommitting and wait for my husband.  Then a “friend” resurfaced. Early in the dating relationship, I shared that I was waiting. We differed in beliefs, so he was dismissive in his offering of understanding. I knew then there was no future, but I made allowances. Ultimately, we split over those differences and I renewed my promise to wait. Shortly after, I mended a broken bridge with another. He and I didn’t differ in values; we differed in application, but again, I made allowances.

Like most lessons, I’ve learned the hard way that intimacy is much more than letting a boy have his way with me. When I accepted that I’m not required to have sex, I started being truthful with myself. Those two dating relationships taught me to stop lying to men. I knew I wanted to wait. I knew my worth is much more than the flesh between my legs; yet, like all the other times, I made allowances because I wanted acceptance. So, despite knowing those men didn’t have a heart to wait, I looked to them for accountability. When they couldn’t offer it, I tried to turn from my faith and I shared myself out of guilt and misplaced loyalty.

I want to build relationships that aren’t built and dependent on the physical. I realize being active clouded my judgement and kept me in situations much longer than needed which hardened my heart. So, I'm choosing to wait before sharing myself.