The Value of a Friend
I’m the product of a post 9/11, active duty military home. By 15, I’d lived in 13 different home and attended 10 different. schools. Growing up, I believed moving made me resilient and easily adaptable to change. As an adult, I realize the frequent shuffling stunted my development of self which resulted in me being emotionally guarded.
I moved to the Richmond area the summer before 10th grade. As a child, I wasn’t given much space to express how I felt about situations outside of my control nor was much time given to consoling or recognizing my emotions. I think as adults we do children a disservice by pressing our coping habits on them. I spent most of 10th grade feeling out place and crying in secret at home and in-between classes. Back then, I spent a lot of time online longing for the life I should’ve had back home in Georgia.
Being the new kid more times than not during my formative years was rough to say the least. So, I taught myself how to put on a show, and built a fort around the inner workings of myself. I was warm and always a soothing force on the outside even if on the inside, I felt sad and lonely. It was much easier to give a presentation of myself for the sake of company than it was to cultivate deeper bonds.
I hold a large plate for tolerance and understanding, so I tend to like those that like me. It’s rare that I stop to consider if my feelings are reciprocal. Historically, I haven’t known they aren’t until I know. And by that time, I'd feel guilty about severing the bond because I was a people pleaser that was loyal to time served.
Even worst, I've hidden my feelings from the people I actually did like. Opting, to show them only the upside to me, and never, if ever, the broken bits of me. I had a fear of impending expiration dates, so I preferred to keep relationships at a distance than to deal with more heart pain. That’s a habit I carried into adulthood.
I realize the protective fort I built myself into has not served me. It’s made it difficult for people to read me. Often causing conflict because there was limited understanding of the boundaries, experience, and feelings that fueled my reactions. Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK speaks of godly community being the missing link to the circle of purpose. During part one of the Inner Circle sermon series, he asserts that in addition to:
having an active relationship with God
discovering and cultivating our gifts
answering the call of God
We also need a godly community. A godly community, or your inner circle, is going to point you towards Christ. So, while you chase after purpose, your inner circle is there to support and push you forward while sharing the truths in love with you.
Because I suffered from a dysfunctional heart that made me cautious of connection, I didn’t have a godly community. I had what I considered to be my inner circle, but I hadn’t allowed any of those people within the fort walls. Godly community requires transparency and vulnerability, first with self then with others. You can’t develop relationships with people that will support and encourage you in purpose if your heart is closed or hidden behind a wall of fear.
God created us to be in relationship. Scripture plainly tells us that being isolated makes it easier for us to be attacked and defeated. So, while I was surrounded by people, I was alone and defeated because I hadn’t allowed anyone access to me. I’d rejected community by choosing to lie and suppress the truth about the battles I was fighting.
We each need an inner circle to complete our purpose. Our inner circle can clearly see what we can’t. So, in the moments that we fall victim to the love of money, comparison, depression, ego, doubt, etc., our inner circle can be there to grab ours hands and say, “I’ve seen this cycle before, and I won’t just stand by and watch it.” But that’s only if we let them.
I’m finding my inner circle. And I have faith that the people I’m supposed to worship, chill, pray, transform and multiply with will find me because I’m healing my heart. I’m learning how to be vulnerable and to plainly say this, “This is what I struggle with, can you walk with me?”